Gordon's Christmas list

Lobbydog was prowling through the Commons chamber this morning when he saw a small envelope propped up against the despatch box. A letter inside read...

Dear Father Christmas,

I know it has been many years since last I wrote, but these are extra-ordinary times and they call for extra-ordinary measures.

I have learnt much from being Prime Minister over the past 12 months – mainly that when it seems as though you have nowhere else to turn, it is right to ask for help from someone that you haven’t spoken to in a long time, perhaps even someone you tried to pretend didn’t exist.

That is why today I am taking action and writing this letter to you.

It is essential, with Christmas morning so close and in such uncertain and difficult times, that you understand the true nature of what has passed in 2008.

Yes people are losing their jobs, yes, businesses are going bankrupt and, yes, there is a queue of big companies lining up for cash handouts at the doors of the Treasury.

But what is happening is a global problem – it started in America with the sub-prime market – and I’m not the only one saying that, even George admits it.

Those bad American financiers put so many toxic debts into the system that the rest of us were left helpless.

So I accept that things look bad, but let me be absolutely clear – it’s not because I’ve been naughty. Quite the opposite.

Not only did I save the world, but I’ve also put in place the foundation stones for the long, um, smooth road to recovery.

In addition I’ve helped 13 grand-mothers walk across dangerous roads, saved 24 kittens and puppies which were drowning in lakes and made recordings of me reading out the full works of William Shakespeare so that the visually impaired can enjoy the drama and excitement of Britain’s greatest writer.

I was the one who decided to spend £20 billion to put money back into the economy saving thousands of jobs, hopefully.

Bearing all of that in mind, this Christmas please can you bring me £20 billion?

If you think there is still some space left at the top of my stocking please can I also have a ten point lead over the Tories by May?

I’ve always thought the job that you do is absolutely vital for British children and families.

That is why it is important to point out that, while there were only two ginger nuts left in the biscuit tin – which Sarah and I were going to have with our coco before bed – we’ve taken the tough decision, and made the difficult choice, and opted to leave both of them out for you.

In addition, we’ve boosted our support with a wee dram of scotch, while also giving real help to Rudolph and his friends in the form of 12 carrots.

Yours Sincerely,

The Rt. Hon Gordon Brown, Prime Minister