Big Beast feeds on Pearson

During his speech in the Commons today trade minister Ian Pearson was a bit like the kiddies who run on pitch at half-time in a football match.

He was kind of sweet, but no-one really cared what he was doing, they just wanted the match to start again.

Moments earlier Mandy had made a statement in the Lords and soon after Ken Clarke, in his first speaking appearance, would rip it apart.

But Pearson first had to repeat the statement for MPs. He did it in the same way the kiddies mimic the real players, not kicking the ball hard enough so it doesn’t reach the goal mouth let alone go in.

All the while you could tell Clarke was relishing what was about to happen. He tried to look calm, but his fingers fidgeted, and then he stood up.

“I’m grateful to him for his courtesy in repeating to this house the statement made moments ago by the Secretary of State in the upper house. I think it’s a constitutional outrage and it’s a very poor way of accounting to the House of Commons.”

1 – 0

“But given the details of the package such as what it is I can say I’m slightly disappointed. I thought the Secretary of State who I shadow would produce some new ideas, some dynamite – a massive programme of support for the automotive industry.

“Unfortunately the minister has the task of producing pretty small beer here. Is it the case that the secretary of state is not producing a bail out because the Treasury have finally won an argument inside the Government and explained to him that they can’t afford the kind of support for the industry that was being trailed?”

2 – 0

Ten years of pent up bombast was poured forth, so much so that Clarke got a little over excited and out of breath – his voice adopting a slightly maniacal high pitch.

“Can the new trade minister… be asked to do something to improve the Government’s competence, its ability to keep up with events and its ability to produce programmes that work? Can I advice the minister, do not involve the Prime Minister.”

3 – 0

“There was a great deal made by the minister…of the money from the European Investment Bank, which I think was first announced back in September last year.”

4 – 0

That was three minutes in. And so what was thought to be a loss for the opposition – that Mandelson would not answer to the Commons – is revealed as the Dark Lord’s Achilles heel.

While he jaw-jaws in the upper house his minions and policies will be mauled by the Big Beast in the Commons, where he cannot come to their defence.