Gordon's jaw, floating like a jellyfish

Campbell's love secret...

I was getting comfortable for a snooze on the train back from Stanstead last night when I noticed Alastair Campbell’s name printed in the women’s mag Mrs Lobbydog was flicking through.

She looked surprised when I asked if I could borrow the copy of Elle, but I just had to find out what the secret of a long-lasting relationship was – something the Labour spinner was promising to reveal.

Surprisingly, the secret turned out to be buying a copy of Campbell’s most recent novel, Maya, a story about an A-list movie star whose changing relationship with an old friend leads to “disturbing consequences”.

I wondered if his time as a soft porn writer helped him capture just how disturbing the consequences were.

I admit I have no intention of reading Maya myself and so turned to a couple of other reviews to see what the book was all about.

They seemed to suggest it is more of a vehicle for Campbell’s own sourness – I’ll leave you with the words of Anthony Horowitz from The Telegraph.

“If you were to sum up this grim, rather bitter book in one sentence, it would be this. He who lives by the media, dies by the media.”

Campbell and Dacre - a bad romcom

I imagine that next Alastair Campbell might point at Paul Dacre and tell him that his dad could beat-up the Daily Mail editor’s dad.

As you will no doubt have seen, Campbell took his spat with Dacre to new silly levels last week when he accused the editor of having homo-erotic fantasies about him.

Today he follows up the accusation with a post in which he claims he was only being light hearted.

He then goes on to draw attention to a new Downfall video in which Dacre is cast as Hitler – getting all agitated about his unrequited love for the Labour spin doctor.

The Downfall video is about as funny as the last fifteen hundred Downfall videos, people should find another film to rip off.

However, there is an uncomfortable feeling of the playground about Campbell’s remarks. Kids pointing at other kids and singing “you are a gay-lord, na, na ,n-na, naa.”

Isn’t that the kind of playground bullying that Campbell’s Labour party is trying to teach out of schools?

And isn’t Campbell’s response I was only joking the same response a playground bully would give – which would be frowned upon by teacher?

What has occurred to me is that the obsession in this little face-off seems to work both ways. In his blogs Campbell seems gleeful – almost as if he takes pride in his belief that Dacre likes him.

Maybe it’s going to be like one of those bad romcoms where the lead couple are always arguing, until they’re trapped in a lift together, and then when the doors finally open they’re seen kissing passionately.

Or perhaps this one just isn’t destined to have a happy ending.

The five hundred to one-ers

Forget about the Miliband brothers, or the tussle between Johnson and Harman – I want to see Esther Rantzen and Joanna Lumley slog it out for the Labour leadership.

The pair of fifty-somethings’ pin-up girls (I bet you like Lumley don’t you OldRightie) are among an elite group of outsiders who are at 500/1 to be the next leader.

They are joined by spin-Dr Alastair Campbell, tax dodger Kitty Ussher, Broxtowe MP Nick Palmer and Blair, that’s Cherie not Tony.

Just on a side note – imagine one Blair as Prime Minister and the other as President of Europe.

Prescott's bile

"Whilst I knew we were short of money I didn’t realise we also lacked the will to fight these elections.

"The people responsible for this non-campaign – and make no mistake there was no campaign – were Harriet Harman, Caroline Flint, Douglas Alexander and yes, our former Communities Secretary Hazel Blears."

That was what Prezza spewed on Labourhome last night. Chances are Alastair Campbell, known not to be Harriet Harman's greatest fan, had a hand in it too.